I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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