help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
