i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
