You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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