When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
