But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
