never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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