The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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