quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
