Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
