He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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