the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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