just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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