my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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