Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
