Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
