I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
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Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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