I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
