need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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