remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
