I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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