is your mom at the bar?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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