If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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