I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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