And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
