You're my little dorito
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic