Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm