I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
