great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
