so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize