I just gift wrapped bread.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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