I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
