I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
