I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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