I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
this boner is exhausting
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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