The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
