you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Randomize
