Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
