just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
