i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
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She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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