yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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