Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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