You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
