she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
