I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
