Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
