in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
