did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
