Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
