census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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