Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
