I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
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So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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