I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize