Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
