i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
