Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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