I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
